I was told to share my lamentations with another party.* This counts, right?
First a little catch up for those who don’t know me in real life. I was laid off in 2019. After spending 4 months looking or a job, I decided to try my luck in a completely different city. As luck would have it, I found a job almost immediately, and now I am waiting for my family to join me.
On a Sunday night, I called my husband. I missed him, and I figured we could catch up. We are in the middle of the COVID pandemic and of course that colours all of our conversations. He told me that about his difficulties getting his father settled into hospice and tying up his affairs. We also talked about how scary it is having our youngest going to brick and mortar school with new COVID cases on the rise. As usual I offered to return home and give whatever assistance I could, and as usual he eschewed the idea saying he would deal with it.
Next morning I get up and peruse Facebook to see what I missed. Most of my friends are in a time zone 3 hours ahead of me so it is fun to see how their days are going. Someone had posted that their child’s school had just notified them of possible COVID exposure from 10 days ago. I was horrified. I shared this with my husband with the caption “This scares me.” I wasn’t prepared for the conversation that followed.
Him: Really Lily…
Me: Am I not supposed to share my concerns?
Him: Already told you that it’s on the back of my mind last night. you may not realize it but I am currently freaking out also. that is a stress that is in my face along with the situation of my dad. I’m currently thinking about all the procedures Taz will have to go through to prevent any kind of spread of happening in this house for the next week, never mind the fact if Taz catches something. Please in the future keep in mind who your audience is.
Me: So the answer is yes.
Him: If you need clarification, on the subject of your children being exposed to covid as of right now, yes keep them to yourself. I’m currently trying not to be too emotional about the situation and logically deal with it. Being reminded of it is not helping. Please send such Lamentations to another party.* On the side, if you have helpful advice, please let me know. I will happily take them.
(Remember when I said I would come back and offer whatever assistance I could?)
Me: We are supposed to be in this together. Now I see we are not. God to know.
(I apologize for the next passage, but I refuse to clean it up as I do not want to be accused of putting words in his mouth)
Him: I love you and I care for you so I will take time to explain this. I would like to believe that we are in this together, but please understand the fact that while you are over there I am over here. We are both parents worried about a child. But I am also a human being and a son that is worried about the cause and effect that if my child gets sick how it will affect me and my mother in the future. When you sent that text message to me it seemed like respect no understand no acknowledge the fact that I told you that this is a big worry last night and that I will have to deal with it. Yes the situation covid scares you as a mother. I realize that. But understand your comment belittles my feelings, tells me you’re not listening, or you’re too self-absorbed in yourself to realize that that was not supportive. So once again, change the subject and not talk about how the the pandemic is affecting your kids with me.
(Thank you for that bit of mansplaining that made absolutely no sense. But I digress)
Me: And now I’m self absorbed, disrespectful, inconsiderate and not human. Again, more information that is good to know.
Him: Do you even realize you just made a mistake? Do you realize you officially have slighted me?
(No. Because I did not make a mistake. Correction, I did make one mistake.)
Me: I made a mistake by accepting that you insulted my character. I am content to leave this conversation. Are you?
Him: That and the lack of awareness for the original comment. And if you make a mistake what must you do?
(Wait. Who TF do you think you are talking to?! I am not some toddler that you are teaching good manners to. This is the point that – had we been in the same room – I would have thrown several knives aimed at his jugular, carotid and femoral arteries simultaneously)
Me: You don’t understand sarcasm. And I’m officially done.
Him: Text message don’t carry tone well. That’s why we use emoji.
(And then slit his throat just for good measure)
I feel like this was another attempt at gaslighting me. Trying to make me at fault because I did not appreciate how he lashed out. I mean I could have said a number of things, like how he is too lazy to place his child’s health as a priority over his ability to sleep in and that is the only reason that she is not still in virtual learning. I could have reminded him that the doctors have told him that contracting this virus would be a death sentence. I could have recounted all the times our youngest came home with a cold that he caught, but 10 times worse. I could have reminded him that I have offered on numerous occasions to return and give help and how he has refused each time.
But maybe I am mistaken. Maybe one of you out there can tell me why I should not be angry. Please explain how I slighted him. And why I should be apologetic instead of incensed.
Chaotically Controlled 