This may be the most incoherent blog post I have ever shared. I’m just warning you up front.
Depression is a really crazy animal. Especially when it is BiPolar depression. Like, one day you are on top of the world, and the next second you feel like a worthless grub. And the triggers, oh dear gods the TRIGGERS!!! Some of them you can see coming, and others sneak up zombie slow and then all of a sudden “BOO! Got your brains”. And this season is the WORST.
For those of you are not a part of “Lily’s pocket of madness” on a daily basis, let me catch you up. Over the last 18 months I have lost so many people unexpectedly. I am sure you remember from previous blog posts that I had lost people a few years ago, some to the rainbow bridge, some to just life. One had the nerve to violently remove himself from this plan of existence. One thing I had not done for any of these losses is truly grieve.
In July of this year I was laid off, my position having been eliminated. At first I was not phased. I figured this would be a temporary situation, and soon I would find a position and be back on my feet. 3 months later I was still not employed, my severance had run out, and we were getting close to the holidays. It was also when I realized that so much of my identity was wrapped up in my ability to take care of my family, my financial independence, standing on my own 2 feet. As the months rolled by my confidence in myself waned, and I became less sarcastically funny and more bitingly insulting.
I buried myself in the tasks that I could. I got involved in my sister’s wedding (such a beautiful couple!) and then the volunteer job at a convention (33k+ people, whew!) but now those things are passed, and I have nothing to occupy my time. I applied for – and was offered – a job that advertised a decent salary but when I got the offer letter it was for far less than what was advertised. And that was the zombie that ate my brains.
I have fallen in to such a deep depression that I can feel my friends edging away from my madness. I am not bitter at them; they have to take care of themselves and if my mental state is toxic then they have to cut me off to survive. But the waning support is only contributing to my deteriorating mental health. I am now to the point at which I feel like not existing is better than existing at this level. And even in this state of constant mental anguish I am considering other people’s feelings. I have the complete inability to be selfish. But this too will pass, as I slowly sink to the point where my pain is worse than my guilt.
Here is the kicker: to turn all this around, I would first need to be employed at a salary level that would make me feel like I have some of my independence back. In order to do this, I need to rebuild my resume. But guess who is too dayumed depressed to function as the highly intelligent being that they are? Me. And I am too embarrassed to say I am too defective to function right. And even if I was not so embarrassed, I have no idea what help to ask for, or from whom. Which makes me feel even more worthless. So I sink deeper. It’s really hard to do anything, especially anything new, when the superseding thought is “I am a worthless human being who does not deserve anyone’s time, love or attention.” And the lack of ability to prove myself wrong just makes it worse.
Triggers, people. Just one trigger, from out of nowhere, can start an out of control spiral. Make sure your coping skills are on point, and your support system is in place. Warnings are not always given, and you need to be ready to fight this disease that threatens to kill us.
I am going to try to find something that makes me feel happy, and then maybe I will find the energy to fight.
Chaotically Controlled 