I have been unemployed for almost 5 months now. This the absolute longest that I have been involuntarily unemployed.
When it first happened I kind of floated. I think it was all just so surreal to me. I was called to an office and advised that my position had been eliminated. And then my nose began to bleed. Not like a small stream that I could stem with a twisted piece of face tissue. But a torrent, complete with blood clots. And still I was unfazed, more concerned about how embarrassing it was to be bleeding all over the place than having to pack up my desk. My husband called as I was driving away to ask me a question of no real consequence. I answered by saying I was currently unemployed and did not care. But I was being petty; I just did not want to answer him. It still had not fully washed over me that I was no longer employed. I really was just going through the motions of what I thought I should feel/do/say.
I honestly thought this would be temporary. That I would find a new job in no time at all. I mean, I had never had trouble finding a job before, even when I was just hopping from one job to the next. I applied to jobs, submitted resumes, expecting to be offered a position in no time at all. I was thinking of how I could use my severance to bolster the family’s financial stability. I did not think that I was actually going to have to use it just to stay above water.
At first I was getting canned rejections: “Your application was not chosen …”. I figured my resume needed some sprucing up, so I made changes. I was still getting the rejections. I updated my resume some more, still nothing. And then a trickle of interest. Then a steady flow. I interviewed. So many interviews. I was excited because it sounded so promising each time. Only to get another rejection email; more personalized this time, but still a rejection. The one job I was offered was for such an abysmal rate of pay that I felt insulted. And then even further insulted when they told me that I was told the wrong amount and that it was even LOWER.
Friends, I have been gainfully employed since I was 19. I have been the majority bread winner in my household for at least the last 18 years. It is probably obvious to all of you, but I have begun to realize just how much of my identity is wrapped up in my ability to provide for my family. I feel useless. I don’t feel like I have a purpose. I feel like a burden to those around me. My mental health has taken hit after hit. That “Itty Bitty Shitty Committee” in my head has been telling me about all my flaws and convincing me that I am a worthless human being. I have begun to doubt my skills, I don’t feel like I am all that smart.
My family has been the bee’s knees. They have supported me, they continue to have confidence in me, they tell me how much I am worth every single day. My friends have done the same. I have so much support from this community that I have not been in any danger. But I still do not have a job.
During all of this my adopted brother has also been without a job. And then he received an offer from the west coast, complete with a relocation stipend. When he got the news that he was hired, I was excited for him. I was also jealous- and a slight bit angry – that he was hired before me. And then I jokingly said that he should find me a job at the same company. He, however, was quite serious and told me to come with him. I laughed it off, said I can’t leave my husband and 2 youngest here while I work there. He shrugged and said, “Offer stands”.
And yet I still can’t find a job. More high hopes dashed in the rocks. Finances are getting really tight. And I am getting really frustrated at not being hired.
And then I asked myself “Would it really be that bad if we became a bicoastal family?” We have video chat, and texting, and email. I asked people who I trust what they thought. Some were trepidatious; they were not sure that it was a good idea to leave my family on one coast to go live/work on another. Others said that maybe it was exactly what I need to reset and refresh my approach to the job search. Maybe there would be more opportunities there, as my current locale is saturated with people like me looking for the same jobs.
And then I asked one person in particular. Someone who has been through this same predicament, with spouse and kids and needing to provide for the family. Who spent 6 years always on the road, and away from family. In a time where video chat was not an option and long-distance charges were still common. And they are now celebrating 30+ years of marriage and living the life they want.
You know what he said?
“Go be great.”
And at that moment I knew not only that I could do it, but that I owed it to myself to at least try. To not only step all the way out of my comfort zone, but to put it completely below the horizon. Oh, I’m scared. Believe you me I am downright TERRIFIED. I am shaking just writing this blog about it. But I am optimistic about the possibilities. I absolutely COULD find a job. I could get the income that I have been chasing for years. I could get my dream job and relocate the whole family. I could also find the same disappointment that I have found here. At the very least, I would have had a time to refresh myself. To gain a different perspective on my possibilities.
So here I go, taking this fool’s leap of faith, and hoping I land on solid ground.
Chaotically Controlled 