Month: September 2019

I don’t really have too many personal relationships. I have my nuclear family. And then I have the family I’ve created. I have a *few* friendships, and most of those are in the process of being vetted as family.

This season is both my most and least favorite. I love the fall colors, most of the time I love the weather, and my favorite celebrations happen during this season.

But it’s also a time of remembrance. During the pagan end of wheel and the thinning of the veil, I reflect on the relationships I’ve lost. Some just fell away, others were taken from me before I was ready to let them go.  Because I don’t entertain a lot of relationships the ones I have are precious to me.

This is also SAD season. Seasonal Affective Disorder. A large number of experts believe this phenomenon is mostly caused by the impending holiday season and how it is such a tough time for those without family to celebrate with. This is a tough time for me as I reflect on the losses to my family and “family”, many of which occurred during this season.

I don’t know why I’m writing this. Maybe because someone out there needs to read it. Maybe just because I needed to get it out. Maybe as a reminder to check on your people.

Be family. Be friends. Enjoy the time you have. Make tons of memories. And when the remembrance period arrives, your heart will burst with joy and pride whenever you think of them.

As for my family and “family” : I love you. I’m going to be quiet, reflective, withdrawn. I might not answer you, I might cry more, I may look like I tripped all the red flagged wires and make you think you need to rush in to save me.  Before you do, ask me who am I missing in that moment, and please be willing to listen. “This too shall pass” and I’ll be myself again soon.

I’ve had constant issues with my weight. Since junior high. And if you could see what I looked like in junior high you would probably look at me crosswise. I have always been shaped more like Jessica Rabbit, and I grew up in a time before “Bootylicious” was goals. I have also had people I love and respect tell me I would be prettier if I lost weight. Whether they thought it is for my health, or because I was not aesthetically pleasing, or I just did not fit in with the rest of the family dynamic it was all hurtful and did a number on my self esteem.

On a separate, but related, note I’ve struggled with depression. Mainly I felt like I was left out of everything. That I was an afterthought to everyone I considered important in my life. I also felt that I was a quintessential screw up; that everything I touched turned to crap. I felt that I did not live up to anyone’s expectations, and that everyone would be better off if I just disappeared into the sunset. Everyone always SAID I was smart, but if I was so smart, why did I feel so stupid? It was not until I was made aware of my diagnoses that I realized much of this was the Itty Bitty Shitty Committee that had taken up residence in my head.

Everyday it is a struggle to reconcile how I feel about my weight, and to keep my brain chemistry from napalming my life.

But understand this: I’m not so far gone that I will accept ANYONE’S mistreatment of me. I’m too smart, too talented, to beautiful to let ANY PERSON (male or female) convince me that I should accept any form of abuse (mental, emotional, or physical) because it’s the best I’ll ever get.

All of you out there who think you are too fat, to skinny, to tall, too short. Who think you are not beautiful, not smart, too smart.  Who think your (perceived) disabilities disqualify you from finding your form of happiness:

FUCK THAT SHIT.

Go be the radiant god/dess that your were born to be. Tell the rest of the world to taste your rainbow.