I am unemployed. This is a new thing for me. I have never been involuntarily unemployed. I have always had a plan. Right now I am so many different kinds of scared, but I am trying to keep a positive attitude, because if I don’t I am afraid I will use the wrong punctuation mark. I kept it to myself for a while, only telling family and a few friends. When I did open up to the rest of the world, I really wished I had just kept it to myself. Yes, there have been a lot of people that are encouraging and helpful, but there are number of people that believe they are being helpful.
I am not a leap of faith person. I need a clear path. I need to see most, if not all, of the different ways something could go so that I can prepare (mentally) for them. I need contingency plans and safety nets and basically a way out. Once I became a mother my primary focus has been my children. And I couldn’t bear doing something that could potentially hurt them. So when presented with an option that could potentially be helpful but most likely will be detrimental in the interim I need specifics. What steps do I take to minimize the painful part? What is the guarantee that this will work? What is the potential that I am going to be worse off in the end than I am right now? What is the potential that I will be better off? In the interim, how do I provide for my kids?
And how do I stay motivated? I have a DSM-IV diagnosed illness. I struggle to stay above water on normal days. How do I stay positive when I cannot see the light at the end of the tunnel? When I don’t have the support of my personal partner? When we are drowning in debt and I am causing more trying to chase a dream? When the teenager has finally found an activity she wants to participate in but I have to tell her there is no money for it.
And lets face it. There can only be so many JK Rowlings, Steve Jobs, Bill Gates, Oprahs, Chris Gardners. For every success story there are 100 fails.
I am at an age where I just can’t see myself starting over. I am not healthy enough to work 2-3 minimum wage jobs to supplement a struggling artist life. I wish I had more support. I wish I had started a long time ago. I wish that I had been able to do so 20 years ago. I wish I had enough faith in myself to even try. But I don’t.
In the meantime I am keeping busy with other things. And tentatively exploring options that more suit my passion. And of course staying positive.
Chaotically Controlled 