Month: August 2019

“They are about to say ‘I do’, three little letters, two little words.
Its the simplest part of the day; but there is nothing simple about the things that will remain unsaid.
‘I do’ means I do know I could be hurt, but I am ready to be healed with you.
It means I do want to try, even when the fear of failure holds me back.
And I do not know the future, but I am ready to be surprised along the way.
‘I do’ means I do want your love & I do give you mine.
And nothing we do will ever be the same, because we will be doing it all together.”

My baby sis is getting married.  I’ve been a part of the festivities leading up to the big day. I’ve listened to her brainstorm and I’ve thrown out a suggestion or 2. I was part of her bachelorette shenanigans. I’ve had an opportunity to meet my brother-to-be and be completely bowled over by how perfect he is for her. I love the beautifully blended family they are about to become. 

My little sister. Literally little. With her beautifully infectious smile, her captivating brown eyes, and gorgeous ebony skin.  And all the storm she brings with her. The fire, the passion, and the sheer will that makes her a force not just to be reckoned with but to be bowed to. And then I watched her giggle like a school girl when talking about the man she is going to marry. I watched her eyes get dreamy thinking about the life they will have together. And her excitement as the day gets closer and closer.

In 2 days I’ll get to watch my gorgeous younger sister walk down the aisle. I’ll see my dad give her away. I’ll watch my new brother vow to be hers forever and always. I’ll watch my sister vow to be his.  I’ll try to hold back the tears as I watch two beautiful humans profess their love for each other.

I look forward to watching them grow in each other.  I look forward to seeing all the amazing things they will accomplish.

Congrats Sis. Welcome to the family, Brother.

To paraphrase Maya Angelou:

“He was always hers to have.
She was always his.
They will love each other in and out
in and out
in and out
of time.”

I am unemployed. This is a new thing for me. I have never been involuntarily unemployed. I have always had a plan. Right now I am so many different kinds of scared, but I am trying to keep a positive attitude, because if I don’t I am afraid I will use the wrong punctuation mark. I kept it to myself for a while, only telling family and a few friends. When I did open up to the rest of the world, I really wished I had just kept it to myself. Yes, there have been a lot of people that are encouraging and helpful, but there are number of people that believe they are being helpful.

I am not a leap of faith person. I need a clear path. I need to see most, if not all, of the different ways something could go so that I can prepare (mentally) for them. I need contingency plans and safety nets and basically a way out. Once I became a mother my primary focus has been my children. And I couldn’t bear doing something that could potentially hurt them. So when presented with an option that could potentially be helpful but most likely will be detrimental in the interim I need specifics. What steps do I take to minimize the painful part? What is the guarantee that this will work? What is the potential that I am going to be worse off in the end than I am right now? What is the potential that I will be better off? In the interim, how do I provide for my kids?

And how do I stay motivated? I have a DSM-IV diagnosed illness. I struggle to stay above water on normal days. How do I stay positive when I cannot see the light at the end of the tunnel? When I don’t have the support of my personal partner? When we are drowning in debt and I am causing more trying to chase a dream? When the teenager has finally found an activity she wants to participate in but I have to tell her there is no money for it.

And lets face it. There can only be so many JK Rowlings, Steve Jobs, Bill Gates, Oprahs, Chris Gardners. For every success story there are 100 fails.

I am at an age where I just can’t see myself starting over. I am not healthy enough to work 2-3 minimum wage jobs to supplement a struggling artist life. I wish I had more support. I wish I had started a long time ago. I wish that I had been able to do so 20 years ago. I wish I had enough faith in myself to even try. But I don’t.

In the meantime I am keeping busy with other things. And tentatively exploring options that more suit my passion. And of course staying positive.

I watched him suffer. I knew he was suffering and yet I was powerless to help. What he needed was a purpose. And not some shallow bullshit promise of a better tomorrow. He needed an actual light at the end of the tunnel. He was in pain, everyday. He couldn’t see it getting any better.

He was too smart for his own good; he could argue the con of any pro. He could find the dark cloud lurking behind every sunny day. He needed a real challenge. He needed a worthy sparring partner. He needed a specific reason to get out of bed, the promise of new challenges, new knowledge, new explorations.

He was in real pain. You who don’t experience it couldn’t relate. But his pain was as real as stage 4 cancer. And worse, no one could find the proper treatment. No tumor to remove, no foreign body to excise. Nothing to point to as an explanation for the pain. He was alone. Not just living alone, but alone in the way he thought, the things he felt, the way he saw the world. “Fake it till you make it” was not an option for him. His pain was so deep that he no longer had the energy to pretend that people mattered anymore.

When I learned that he ended his life, I was sad. I felt like I was robbed, that my girls – his god daughters – were robbed. His best friend, his own daughters, his mother, his aunt and the countless others who loved him were shortchanged.

But I also felt relief for him. That maybe he has found his peace on the other side. That he is at least no longer suffering from an illness that only he can truly see and feel.

So miss me with your selfishness; your guilt trip about how the rest of the world will feel if he removed himself from it. How about enjoying the time you have. This illness is a cancer, and just like cancer some go into remission, and others succumb. We don’t guilt leukemia patients for dying; stop doing it to mental health patients.