Mixed emotions

5 years ago today I was formally introduced to the tiniest of Mama’s monkeys. She has since made life more than a little interesting. She is a Destructobot, a Gremlin, the Juggernaut. She keeps us wondering what she will do and say next to get us in trouble with her teachers. She is an absolute terror some days, but she is the sweetest and most loving little monster ever. And today is her birthday.

As I write this, my partner is waking the girls up so we can get dressed and get on with our day. The tiniest monkey is bouncing on both beds in the hotel room, thoroughly irritating her teenage sister, who is preparing to take a shower.

Today we bury my brother.

I can’t even write the words without choking up. And yet somehow we need to celebrate my toddler becoming a little girl. I put her in a pink dress today because little girls should not have to celebrate their birthday wearing funeral black. Nevermind that I have to select an urn today. Something to store a piece of my brother in, to sit on my fireplace and remind me of my loss. And both of my girls will be around to watch Mommy fall apart.

It’s going to be a tough day. I’m going to need to employ all of my coping skills. I will swing the pendulum multiple times; my bipolar brain chemistry is going to have a FIELD DAY with this.

“This too will pass.” That is what people say. I’m counting on it. Because I have to survive this day. I have to strike a balance between grief and joy this day. Because life continues, and my babies deserve it.