I really do. It creates voices in my head that cause me to make mistakes. And those same voices beat me up about those mistakes forevermore. I learned to call it the “Itty Bitty Shitty Committee”.
For example:
I have this group of friends that are WONDERFUL. This is a real down for whatever, “let’s get in trouble together”, “wait who has the alibi?” type group. We will tease each other but will beat down anyone who tries to hurt any of us. REAL friends. The kind that will pull you back if they see you stepping off the cliff.
I am somewhere with a couple of these friends. I’ll call them Taylor and Reagan. These 2 are masters at straight faced insults. From a distance you would think they are having a conversation about the weather, sports, shopping. But when you hear what they are saying you want to HOWL with laughter at their exchange. And I am standing between these 2 as they are talking about the hygiene (or lack there of) of someone who has just walked in the door. I am cracking up, not so much at what they are saying, but the delivery! I told you, they are masters.
Later that evening I get home and change clothes. It is a HOT summer day. Like, even my sweat was sweating. Like a lot of us, I carry extra weight in areas I really wish I didn’t. And that extra weight creates extra places for this extra sweat to hang out. So I have to be extra diligent about hygiene. Which means more baths/showers/wash ups during the summer cause, you know, hygiene. And that evening I felt like I needed to put those clothes in the shower right along with me.
Fast forward a day. It’s one of those nights that I can’t sleep to save my life. (And my partner is practicing Tai-Bo in his sleep, so it’s kind of dangerous to be in the bed. I mean, his fist is the size of my HEAD!) And my Itty Bitty Shitty Committee decided to keep me company.
“You do realize they were talking about you, right?” No they weren’t
“Of course they were, don’t you remember how awful your clothes smelled that evening?” Well…
“They just didn’t want you to know, so they pretended to be talking about someone else.” You might be right, I’m gonna ask them
“NO! Don’t do that. Do you really want them to laugh in your face? Or worse, lie to you?” No…
“You should vaguebook about it instead.”
So of course I listened to the Committee and post this:
“I would like for my friends to tell me if I’m off. Just pull me to the side and tell me what I need to correct. It sucks for me to know that people who I consider my friends can’t muster the courage to tell me. Or worse, would rather just make fun of me.”
You read my description of these friends, right? Does that even remotely sound like the same group? Of course not. Stupid committee.
Another friend in the group, I’ll call her Alma, reached out to me. When she heard my explanation, I could literally hear the “AW HAYELL NAW” through the text message. Which started my ascent from the abyss, and turned the volume down on the Committee.
A workday passes, and that evening, Alma messages me back. The whole conversation made me feel embarrassed and guilty, but mostly it made me feel LOVED.
So here I am, writing this blog. A public apology, since I made a public ass of myself.
Taylor and Reagan: I am truly sorry for betraying our friendship by not coming to you and telling you how I felt.
I am not using my brain chemistry as an excuse, just an explanation. I will do better in the future, I will mute the committee, and talk to you about it instead.
In the meantime, everyone please be patient with me.
Chaotically Controlled 